ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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