I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
