I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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