Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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