he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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