just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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