he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
