I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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