Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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