i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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