whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
