cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
