Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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