I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
