And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
