You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
