i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
