So drunk its hurt
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
