After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
