I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
