i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
