i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
