BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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