Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
