Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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