captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
