you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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