I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize