The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
