I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
