I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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