I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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