im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
look no pants
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
