I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just threw up on my dentist
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize