I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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