I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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