Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
