Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
