I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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