The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize