i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
