I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
