I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
