So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
