dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
