Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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