I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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