best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
