Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
