the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize