If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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