I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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