You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We named our party play list daddy issues
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
