Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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