I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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