so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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