Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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