there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
