I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
