Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
you will always have a special place in my vag
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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