There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
