First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
