drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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