I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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