I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
