Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
